Archive -‘Social Etiquette’

A Brief History of Afternoon Tea

Legend has it that afternoon tea was started in the mid-1800s by the Duchess of Bedford when the Duchess found herself with a “sinking feeling” in the late afternoon.  At that time in history, only two meals were common; a mid-morning breakfast and a somewhat late evening dinner.  The Dutchess decided to have some friends over for assorted snacks and tea and the idea of an “afternoon tea” gathering became very popular among the elite and a favorite pastime of ladies of leisure.

Another term commonly associated with “Afternoon Tea” is “Low Tea”.  This expression was born of the height of the table from which the Dutchess enjoyed her first “afternoon tea” (a low bedside table).

“High Tea” – which HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH “Afternoon Tea” or “High Society” is the hearty “supper style” meal, including tea, that was served in the very late evening; upon which time the “men folk” would come home VERY hungry from a hard day’s work.  This meal, like “low tea”, is so named, due to the height of the table on which it was served. 

So….the next time you see a sign in a historically elegant and renowned hotel that says “High Tea” “3:00-4:00pm – Assorted scones, fresh fruit, varietal teas, etc. – they have it wrong.  Sure, they can call it whatever they want, but that doesn’t make it historically accurate.   I’m fairly certain that most places use the term “High Tea” for one of two reasons:

1. Lack of education and research on the proper description and history 
2. They think “High Tea” sounds “high class” or “high society” and casts an immediate image of elitism, elegance, snobbery or a combination of all. 

So…here’s a few points to help you remember the difference between High Tea and Afternoon Tea:

AFTERNOON TEA:

• Afternoon Tea is commonly served from 3:00-5:00pm (in the US) and in Britain, pretty much everyone stops to enjoy “afternoon tea” at 4pm.
• Delights include fresh warm scones, fresh fruit, assorted light tea sandwiches (or what we might call “finger sandwiches”) and of course – tea.
• Afternoon Tea in one’s home may be anytime one pleases and but is usually in the mid-afternoon for the purpose of exchanging pleasantries
• Afternoon Tea may also be “special” or “custom” in some venues; “Champagne Tea”, “Teddy Bear Tea”, “Strawberry Tea”, “Christmas Tea” 
• Afternoon Tea may be presented buffet style, banquet style, intimate hotel lobby lounge seating areas, patio style or any other creative option a venue or person may choose. 
• Attire for Afternoon Tea can be from casual chic to formal attire depending on the occasion and venue in which it is offered.

HIGH TEA:

• “True” High Tea is rarely seen in the US but if you find one, it should be served AFTER 5:00pm.
• High Tea consists of very hearty entrees like meats, fish, kidney pie, baked goods, and vegetables (again, more like what we call “supper” or “dinner” depending on where you live).
• High Tea is served at a dinner table rather than “low coffee tables” like you often see for Afternoon Tea service.
• High Tea DOES NOT MEAN “high class” or “high society” and in fact, historically, referred to the dinner for  ”working class men” in the late evening. 

So…there you have it.  I hope you will help me spread the truth about this common misconception and the next time you are invited to “High Tea”, make sure you ask what meat and fish choices are being offered!  

Bridal crowns from Chic Vintage Brides

In a recent post during February, we highlighted the meaning of the variety of rose colors – giving a bit of a “heads-up” on how one’s selection may be perceived by the recipient.  Digging (no pun intended) a little deeper into floral history, we will take a look at flowers for a wedding and how one might choose them.

Wearing, carrying, and decorating with flowers and greenery for the celebratory event of betrothing one’s life to one another is a time-honored tradition that dates back as far as ancient Greece. The bride would wear a crown of flowers and herbs around her head, which was considered a gift of nature.  According to an article published by Ken Bolt on “Wedding Flowers – The Origins of the Tradition”, “the Greek bridesmaids would be responsible for this honor”, while “The garland bouquet would often contain bulbs of garlic. This wasn’t to make the wedding smell like your grandmother’s kitchen, but instead to ward off any evil spirits that might see fit to intervene in the ceremony or curse their future together.”

Like birthstones, flowers are associated with certain months of the year.  In The New Book of Wedding Etiquette, Kim Shaw reveals that “If you must carry lilacs in your bouquet, you must also get married in the spring–the only time of year they’re available.”

So…as you set out to plan your beautiful occasion, perhaps the following list will help you make sweet selections and guide you in choosing “in-season” blooms.

January/Carnation

February/Violet

March/Jonquil

April/Sweet Pea

May/Lily of the Valley

June/Rose

July/Larkspur

August/Gladiola

September/Aster

October/Calendula

November/Chrysanthemum

December/Narcissus

Seasonal Blooms:

Spring:  Daffodil, Dianthus, Hyacinth, Hydrangea, Iceland Poppy, Lilac, Lily of the Valley, Peony

Summer:  Cosmos, Phlox, Queen Anne’s Lace, Sunflower, Sweet William, Yarrow, Zinnia

Fall:  Cockscomb, Dahlia, Viburnum, Berries

Winter:  Amaryllis, Heather, Hellebores, Holly Berries, Narcissus, Poinsettia

All Season:  Alstroemeria, Baby’s Breath, Calla Lily, Carnation, Chrysanthemum, Daisy, Freesia, Gerbera Daisy, Gladiola, Iris, Ivy, Lily, Lisianthus, Roses, Smilax, Snapdragon, Stephanotis, Stock, Tuberose

Of course, personal choice, color themes and availability are all important factors when making just one of the many important decisions that must be made for one’s wedding day but we hope this will help during the planning stages.

With permission from Mr. Bill Purdin, at LegendInc in Marblehead, Massachusetts, we are happy to share with you these timeless tips on golf etiquette.  While seemingly serious in their clear and concise measure, they are also meant to be taken in the pleasant and humorous nature in which golf is often played.  As you set your sights on #10, heed the words of Mr. Purdin when he said, “My best game of golf was a 74…and it started with a bogey”.  

1. Tee. One player on the tee at a time. Stand even with the ball well outside of the teeing ground, left or right, while each player hits. This also applies to golf bag and equipment placement around the tee. It is a breach of etiquette to stand behind a golfer on the tee, or anywhere else on the golf course. (See Section I: The Rules of Golf) No golfer should have to ask you to move out of the way anywhere on the course, but especially on the tee, where players are concentrated like nowhere else. If you are a following foursome and arrive at a tee already occupied by the group in front, wait well off the tee for your turn. Joining them on the tee to watch the shots is a breach of etiquette, but if you do, follow the positioning rule above, at the very least. Always, remove your peg from the tee after hitting. It is a breach of etiquette to pound your tee into the ground or to leave it embedded in the teeing ground.

2. Speed of play. Always play without delay at all times. Paramount in this category is to be at your ball, ready to hit, when it is your turn. After the tee shot, all the way to holing out, the order of play is always farthest from the hole first, and there really are no exceptions. Always carry two uniquely-marked balls. Limit your divotless practice swings to just a few seconds, and never practice swing towards anyone. On the green, study your shot alternatives, line of putt, and putting strategy while others are preparing to hit. You should always hit well within 45 seconds of the previous golfer’s stroke. The only way to judge your speed is your position relative to the group in front of you. You are in position if, as you approach your next shot, they are just moving off. Don’t lag behind or crowd unnecessarily the group in front. Never talk or tell stories that in anyway, even for a few seconds, delay play. There is plenty of time between shots while walking or riding to the next shot for discourse and jocularity. Consider the score card after hitting, while proceeding to the next shot, never on the tee or green.

3. Cart use. Golf carts should speed up play not slow it down. After the tee shot, proceed to the first ball and drop off the player, then proceed, safely, to the other ball. The dropped-off player should take extra clubs, if there is any doubt. As a general rule, don’t wait while the other person disembarks, hits, re-embarks and before proceeding to the next ball. Enter the cart with your club in hand and then exit to your bag before hitting the next shot. No need to go the bag twice for every shot.

4. Gimmies and Mulligans. Never give a shot that matters unless it is beyond the realm of remote possibility that the player could miss it. A one-foot putt takes about as long to putt as to pick it up. The essence of the game is putting the ball into the hole and it is a courtesy to allow that to happen whenever possible. Mulligans are never allowed. Strategy in match play sometimes requires a give-putt situation, but in reality these “gamesmanship” maneuvers should be kept to a minimum and play allowed to take its normal course where skill and proficiency prevail over tactical machinations.

5. Bunkers. When you leave a bunker you should remove all evidence that you were ever there. A few extra careful strokes with the rake to smooth the sand is always required. Think of the times you have had to hit from another’s footprints or inconsiderate raking.

6. On The Green. Fix your ball marks like a craftsman, leaving no bare ground and an even, smooth surface where the ball mark was. Never dig under a ball mark and leverage the soil upwardly with your tee or tool: this dislodges and extirpates the tender plant structures. Pull the surrounding grass gently to the middle of the mark, starting at the highest point. Never stand along the line of another player’s putt, front or back. Get completely out of the way. Again, standing even with the ball left or right, at a considerate distance, is always correct. Never talk or whisper while another player is putting (see the 7th Commandment). When you mark and replace your ball on the green never advance it even infinitesimally, or appear to advance it. One of the most carefully-watched moves a golfer makes is marking and exactly replacing the ball. Be precise in this process, developing a system that is obvious and beyond any possible criticism. When removing the flag, don’t drop it onto the green with a slap; either lower it gently or remove it to the first cut around the green. The player whose ball is closest to the pin has the pin responsibilities. Never lean on your putter while on the green, and when retrieving your ball keep your feet and weight well away from the hole. Return the pin carefully without any damage to the hole. Proceed to the next hole immediately upon holing out.

7. When Another Player is addressing the ball. There are only two things that every other player should be doing when a player is addressing the ball: standing absolutely still and watching the player hit. Movement is unacceptable. Talking is unacceptable. Fussing with equipment is unacceptable. Looking around is unacceptable. Stand still and watch the shot. If you can’t render this simple courtesy, then you do not belong on a golf course.

8. Clearly state your score when holed out. Making other players ask what you had on the hole is a breach of etiquette. At the time of holing out, as you retrieve the ball, clearly state,”Par,” or, “bogey,” or, “Eight.” Check the card occasionally to insure accuracy. Don’t say, “I’ll take a six.” Golf is all about accurate scoring. After the game is over the appropriate handicap adjustments can and should be made. Incidental to this rule is the requirement for each golfer to have a standard USGA handicap. Without an official handicap, you are not able to truly compete in golf, and in every match you play you have brought an element of unfairness to the game. Accurate handicaps provide the only fair basis for competition. Playing without a handicap is a breach of etiquette, especially in light of how easy and inexpensive it is to officially obtain one.

9. Settling up. Always have the exact amount needed to settle the game. Saying, “Do you have change for a twenty?” is a breach of etiquette.

10. Temperament. Babe Ruth said, “It is hard to beat a person who never gives up.” This should be your guide to behavior and temperament on a golf course. Golf is a game of days, next shots, and handicaps. You are never out of it until you get mad, become belligerent, start throwing things, in other words, until you give up. Never blame other golfers for your bad play out loud or even quietly to yourself, if you want to play well. Never blame another player for enforcing and championing the rules of golf. Don’t explain why your shot was bad, or good, and never yell out or whine after hitting a bad shot. Don’t be so competitive that you forget that golf is a game played competitively for enjoyment. Play like a gentleman, or a gentlewoman, in demeanor and attitude, because, in golf it is not what happens to you, it’s your attitude towards it that determines the ultimate outcome. Which would you prefer: a career round in the midst of bad temper, bad humor and embarrassment over your lack of decorum, or, a 10-shots-over-your-handicap-round where you still thoroughly enjoyed the effort and the game? Scoring and playing well is what golf is about, but that’s not what golf is all about.

And the Second Golden Rule of Golf (see top of the page for the Golden Rule) is to study The Official Rules Of Golf until you understand them, which is long after you first open the book looking for some specific rule that came up during a match. There is a basic principle involved, which all the rules protect: influence and affect nothing on the golf course except your own ball.

http://www.legendinc.com/Pages/MiscellaneousPages/GolfCommandments.html

Having grown up in New Olreans, frequenting Mardi Gras parades was routine and always exciting and I doubt that in those crazy mass crowds of foot-stomping, line-dancing, bead-stealing paradaholics you will ever see a modicum of etiquette.  After all…Mardi Gras is about “madness” and seeing who can get the most beads around their neck without falling over.  However, with St. Patrick’s Day approaching and Memorial Day and Independence Day right on it’s heels, here are a few etiquette tips that can help make the experience an enjoyable and memorable one for all ages.

• View Blocking:  Everyone wants to see the parade; unfortunately, everyone can’t have the front row.  Early settlers claim their spots, sometimes with chairs or just blankets on which to sit or stand.  The problem comes in when small children are behind all the big people (even those with children of their own).  Try to be considerate of the excitement a child has in seeing the bands, floats and firetrucks.  On occasion, scoot aside and offer the child a chance to grab a peek in front of you…after all, etiquette is about consideration and gracious moments.
• Reserving Space:  As mentioned earlier, many will arrive as early as possible to claim their spot but keep in mind, the street and sidewalk are public property and available to all.  No one has a “right” to a spot if they leave to go get beer.  If you vacate your spot, it is not “reserved” so unless you have other family members with you to occupy it for you, don’t expect it to be available upon your return. 
• Speaking of Beer:  Where I grew up, I have to admit, alcohol is a HUGE part of parade fun.  Of course, New Orleans is quite different from any other place in the world. Most states have laws prohibiting alcohol, depending on the city ordinances and liability issues.  Then again, many events will allow drinking out of plastic containers.  The point is….while social drinking and sharing fun times with friends at an event is commonplace, it is imperative to remember that there are children all around.  Know your limit.  Nothing is more crass than a loud, sloppy drunk screaming profanities at the marching band because he doesn’t like the piece they’re playing.  Such behavior can turn ugly….when Daddy’s little girl is asking what the “F” word means.
• Ouch! That’s My Hand You’re Smashing!:  Again, in the Big Easy, you WILL get your hands and feet stomped on, smashed, broken and bruised.  ”Dem doubloons  is like gold to da cajun folk and you will get hurt trying to claim your prize”!  Around the rest of the world, most parades don’t “throw things” out to the crowds, but some do.  For instance, in New Orleans at the St. Patrick’s Day parade, you can expect to catch cabbages and potatoes hurling through the air, green beads, doubloons (these are little metal coins with the name of the parade embossed on them and some are actually collectibles).  If you’re at a parade where candy, nik-naks, etc. are being thrown to the crowds, don’t stomp your foot on the item to claim it, lest you crush someone’s hand that was going for it at the same time.  It’s first to the product that gets it so back off and acquiesce. 
• Blocking Businesses and Driveways:  Yes, it’s hard to find  a parking spot for a big fun parade but blocking someone’s business or a resident’s driveway is absolutely unacceptable.  Just because they live or work on the parade route does not give you free reign to park and run.  Sometimes, if it’s worth it to you, offering payment for such a privilege is an option.  One never knows if the owner is interested in the premium dollar just to have a car sitting for a few hours.  If you find yourself in such desperate need, and the owner is outside, politely approach and ask with a smile and good nature if their “space” is for rent.  The worst they can say is no.  Never disturb the resident or business owner by knocking on their door or interrupting their business for such a measure. 
• Our American Flag:  While everyone may have been raised differently and told different rules regarding how we show respect for our American flag, any measure of respect is certainly better than none.  More often than not, when the Color Guard begins the parade, I rarely see anyone saluting the flag or removing their hat.  That being said, no one expects you to do so every time a band comes marching through.  It should be apparent that the first sighting of the American flag in the parade, respect should be shown in the form of  either your hand over your heart or saluting the flag as it passes….and ALWAYS remove your hat – men and women.  Many have paid a dear price in the name of the American flag and you can be sure, every veteran on that parade route is watching…and hurting….by the lack of respect shown for the sacrifices he/she made.
• Backpacks:  If you’re traveling with a backpack, and it’s a good idea since you’ll not want to leave your spot if you can help it, try to keep it in front of you and lowered rather than slung on your back; chances are someone behind you will be getting bumped and swiped by your big wad of canvas every time you move.  Again….consideration is key. 
• Litter:  It should go without saying that leaving your litter behind is just plain rude and disrespectful of the very public property to which you’ve been given the opportunity to enjoy such events.  Clean up your mess. …and teach your children the same.

As Valentine’s Day approaches and “love is in the air”, many men will be flocking to the Hallmark store, See’s Candy, and their local florist for the perfect “gift of romance”.  Dinner reservations will be made at casual and fine dining restaurants, and many “budding romances” will fret over what any of these actions will signal to the other. That being said, one can never go wrong with a beautiful arrangement of flowers.  A time-honored and Classic tradition, flowers can help you send the right message.

Before sending the signal that an engagement is in her future, check out the meaning of the color of a rose as described by ProFlowers.com:

Red roses are the traditional symbol for love and romance, and a time-honored way to say “I love you.” The red rose has long symbolized beauty and perfection. A bouquet of red roses is the perfect way to express your deep feelings for someone special.  Read more about the history and meaning of the red rose.

As a symbol of grace and elegance, the pink rose is often given as an expression of admiration. Pink roses can also convey appreciation as well as joyfulness. Pink rose bouquets often impart a gentler meaning than their red counterparts.  Read more about the history and meaning of the pink rose.

The bright, sunny color of yellow roses evokes a feeling of warmth and happiness. The warm feelings associated with the yellow rose are often akin to those shared with a true friend. As such, the yellow rose is an ideal symbol for joy and friendship. Read more about the history and meaning of the yellow rose.

White roses represent innocence and purity and are traditionally associated with marriages and new beginnings. The white rose is also a symbol of honor and reverence, and white rose arrangements are often used as an expression of remembrance. Read more about the history and meaning of the white rose.

With their blazing energy, orange roses are the embodiment of desire and enthusiasm. Orange roses often symbolize passion and excitement and are an expression of fervent romance. A bouquet of orange roses will send a meaningful message. Read more about the history and meaning of the orange rose.

The unique beauty of the lavender rose has captured many hearts and imaginations. With their fantastical appearance, lavender roses are a perfect symbol of enchantment. The lavender rose is also traditionally used to express feelings of love at first sight. Read more about the history and meaning of the lavender rose.

I hope you have a beautiful Valentine’s Day, whether you will share it with a friend, spouse, child, parent or new love.  Love is in the air!

Well, I have to say, I was already pulling out the black and gold tablescaping for another “Saints Superbowl Party” when…well, let’s not re-live the moment we knew when that all changed!  I’m over it.  Time to get pumped for the Giants and Patriots right?!  Superbowl XLVI (that’s 46th for the roman numeral challenged) takes place in Indianapolis this year at 6:30pm EST at at Lucas Oil Stadium.  Since most of us won’t be tailgating there, here are a few tips to help make Superbowl, any year, fabulous, fun and full of friendly fans!

You’re The Host:

• Tell your neighbors.  Especially if you think there will be a major parking issue.  It’s always nice to include them in the invite if you’re on friendly terms.  This definitely seals the parking issue up.

• Get in the game. Whether you’re serving appetizers, pizza and wings, or blessed to have your affair catered, set the spirit!  Use the team colors (a no-brainer this year) for centerpieces and cocktail napkins.  Create a fun centerpiece with small footballs, turf grass and mini-penants from the party/dollar stores.  Print up a Superbowl Pool Grid on card stock with the team colors and place along side an envelope for collections and a  ”team cup” that holds pencils for filling in the squares.  The amount should be agreed upon by everyone but keep in mind, this is a “spirit-raiser”, not the Sports Book in Vegas. 

• Greet your guests and make introductions.  Don’t leave your guests waiting at the door while you’re busy with the bbq.  Greet them promptly with smiles and warmth as you bring them into join you and others.  Introduce or “refresh an introduction” to all the guests and let the small talk begin.  ”Mary, you may recall meeting John at our Superbowl party last year.  John Jones, this is Mary Smith.  Mary works with me at XYZ.

• Take their coat.  Not literally of course.  You can’t keep it!!  Even if it is that fabulous Alexander McQueen leopard print you want!  Be sure to assist your guest in taking their coat and letting them know where you are storing it so they can access it if needed.  If they don’t need their coat until departure, the host should retrieve the coat for their guest. 

• Get the ball rolling.  Offer beverages soon after introductions and point your guests towards the food station.  Generally, football parties are best suited for buffet/kitchen island style dining or a barbeque outside, weather permitting.  Keep plenty of food, napkins, cocktail plates, toothpicks for h’ordoeurves, and cold beverages on hand throughout the game.

• Have enough seating.  It’s true that not everyone will sit at the same time…but for Superbowl, expect a few guys to “own that seat for the duration”.  With the increasing excitement of seeing the newest “who will be the winner” commercials, seats may be at a premium.  Bring in the card table chairs, dining room chairs, and if it’s a super casual event, have some throw pillows and comfy throws available for those that are happy to lean at the feet of their spouse or date.

• Kids coming?  Let’s face it…the kids are NOT going to sit for three or four hours watching the game.  They’ll just interrupt those that do.  Have a snack table and beverages in a small ice chest that can be in “their own space” (a child’s room, the converted for game day garage, etc.) and have age appropriate games, toys, coloring, etc. for them to enjoy together.  Oh…here’s a thought.  Give them a football to throw – outside, weather permitting.  I know, they’ll probably just play Madden on their hand-held, but it’s worth a try.

• The party’s over.  Thank your guests for taking the time to spend the day with you.  Thank them if they drove a great distance to be with you.  Thank them for anything they may have contributed, i.e., food, gifts, help, etc.  Have your “co-host” (usually a spouse/date or designated friend) get the coats while you are graciously escorting to the door.

• Be a great guest.  If you’re the guest at this fabulous party, you have a few party etiquette rules too.

• RSVP as soon as possible.  Waiting until the last minute implies you are waiting for a better offer.  

• Bring a hostess gift.  Wine (to be offered for a future event), gourmet candy, fresh flowers or a homemade treat are all a welcomed gift. 

• Arrive on time, unless you’ve advised ahead with any challenges in doing so.

• Offer to help the hostess.  Even little things like carrying re-loaded trays of treats to the football fanatics that haven’t moved an inch since the game started, is a big help. 

• Remember “bathroom etiquette“.  No splashing and leaving water drops everywhere.  No using the plush monogrammed guest towel (a smart hostess will have a basket or bowl of individual small guest towels and a receptacle in which to place used ones or very nice disposable napkins.  He/she will also have air freshener discreetly tucked away).  Basically, leave the loo as fresh and clean as you found it.

• Don’t over-indulge.  Food or beverage.

• Get a clue.  Don’t overstay your welcome.  While most party invitations will have a start/end time, some will end with natural timing, like the end of the game in this scenario.  Watch for clues from your host.  They may enjoy having you stay a little while afterwards to enjoy some conversational time that perhaps was thwarted during the event; however, if you see him/her washing dishes, turning off the TV and booting up their iPad (okay, a proper host would never do these things), then get a clue.  It’s time to go.

Have a wonderful Superbowl and I leave you with a simple little toast to share with your guests:

“Here’s to the bird that flew the coop,

Without losing a single feather;

And may this time next year, 

We all be together.”

Are you one of those people that just freeze up at the thought of how to enter a room and mingle with the other guests?  You don’t know anyone there and have no idea what to do besides stick to the wall and hope to get in and get out after making your obligatory appearance.  Some people are just naturals in this atmosphere but many find it a daunting experience.

A few tips that might help include the following:

• Place yourself in close proximity to those gathered near the bar or the food (that’s where most people congregate at all gatherings).
• Simply introduce yourself to someone and mention why you are there or what connection you may have.  They will almost certainly offer the same information back.
• A couple of sentences are all that is necessary to “break the ice” as well as move on if it is more comfortable for you.  For example:  “Hi, I am Jane.  My daughter Britney is on the team”.  (At which time the other person will probably offer a similar sentiment).

Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, as all busy diplomats, would find herself at many gatherings, cocktail parties, fundraisers, and events.  Having the sometimes uncomfortable obligation of making small talk, in her mind, she would go down the alphabet until a subject sparked a listener’s interest, starting with A. For example, A: Airline travel has sure come a long way in a short time, hasn’t it?; B: I just saw Beauty and the Beast at the theatre, have you seen it?; C: California sure has amazing weather, I’m so glad we have a nice day for this event? …and so on.

The following was taken with permission from The Freitag Funeral Home.

When someone you know dies, or faces a death in their family, your first instinct may be to help- but you may not be sure of what to say or what to do. It is natural to feel this way.

One of the highest privileges you can accept is helping a friend or family member during their time of grief.

The Condolence Visit.

While you may feel hesitant about intruding on the family during their grief, the condolence visit is important. It reassures the bereaved that while their loved one is gone, they are not alone; that while they have suffered a great loss, they are still connected to the living, and that life will, indeed, go on.

When should I visit?

Immediately upon learning of a death, intimate friends of the family should go to the home of the mourner to offer sympathy and ask if they can render any service. There are many ways you can be helpful, by providing food or assisting with child care, making phone calls or answering the door.

You may make a condolence visit at any time, before the funeral or after, especially in the first weeks following the death. If you call early you may certainly pay another visit to let the bereaved know they remain in your thoughts.

You may prefer to visit the family at the funeral home. This setting may be more comfortable for you and the family, as they are prepared for visitors. The newspaper will provide information about calling hours, or you may call the funeral home for instructions.

How long should I stay at a condolence call or visitation?

You need not stay long; fifteen minutes gives you enough time to express your sympathy and offer your support. Of course, if the bereaved indicates they would like you to remain for a while, take your cue from them and stay longer. Use your own judgment. If you feel your presence is of comfort, offer to stay as long as the family needs you and you are able.

What should I say?

Using your own words, express your sympathy. Kind words about the deceased are always appropriate. Depending on your relationship to the family, you may say something like: “I am so sorry about John. He was a good friend, and I will miss him very much.”

If the bereaved wants to talk, they usually simply need to express their feelings; they aren’t necessarily looking for a response from you. They may say things that seem irrational or pose questions that have no answer, and the kindest response is usually a warm hug, and a sympathetic, “I understand.”

What should I not say?

Do not ask the cause of death; if the family wants to discuss it, let them bring it up.

Don’t give advice. The family should be allowed to make their own decisions without influence from well-meaning friends.

Don’t make comments that would diminish the importance of the loss. Comments such as “you are young, you’ll marry again,” or “he was suffering so much, death was a blessing,” or “I’ve been through this myself,” are not comforting to the bereaved.

Religious & ethnic customs.

Customs may differ among various communities, ethnic groups and religions, and we have tried to indicate a few of the most important differences here. Please feel free to contact us for guidance, as we are well versed in the customs of many faiths. For more details, you may also refer to a more comprehensive guide, such as those by Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt.

Mourning in the Jewish faiths.

In families of Jewish faiths, interment of the deceased usually occurs within twenty-four hours of death, at which time the family returns home for a seven-day period of mourning. The first days of mourning are reserved for the family; friends usually wait until at least the third day to visit. Calls are generally made in the evenings or on the Sunday of the week of the death; calls are not made on the Sabbath (from Friday afternoon until after dark on Saturday).

Remember, customs will vary depending if the family is of the Orthodox or the Reform Jewish faith. Please ask us if you need guidance.

The Formal Visitation.

A formal visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their expressions of sorrow and sympathy. This practice is most common among the Protestant and Catholic faiths. The obituary notice should tell you the visitation hours and when the family will be present, or you may call the funeral home for this information.

Meet the family.

Upon arrival, go to the family, and express your sympathy with an embrace or by offering your hands. Don’t feel as though you must avoid talking about the person who has died. Talking can help the grieving process begin. Offer a simple statement of condolence, such as “I’m so sorry. My sympathy to you and your family,” or “Your grandmother was a fine person. She will be missed by many.”

If you were an acquaintance of the deceased but not well-known to the family, immediately introduce yourself. You may say something like, “Hello, we have not met, but George and I worked together several years ago. My name is Mary Smith.”

Emotions.

Do not feel uncomfortable if you or the bereaved becomes emotional or begins to cry. Allowing the bereaved to grieve is a natural healing process. However, if you find yourself becoming extremely upset, it would be kinder to excuse yourself so as not to increase the strain on the family.

Pay your respects to the person who has died.

Viewing the deceased is not mandatory. However, if offered by the family, it is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased and, if you desire, spending a few moments in silent prayer. The family may wish to escort you to the casket, or you may proceed on your own.

Signing the register.

Always enter your name in the register book, using your full name so the family can better identify you. If you were a business associate of the deceased, it is appropriate to note your company affiliation if the family may not otherwise know you.

Conduct.

After you have spoken to the family, it is perfectly appropriate to engage in quiet conversation with friends you may meet at the visitation. Your simple presence will mean a lot to the family. You do not need to stay for the entire visitation, but try not to leave during prayers, if they are being offered.

Other Expressions of Condolences.

While there is no substitute for a personal visit if you are physically able to do so, there are many other ways to express your sympathy.

Flowers.

A floral tribute can be of great comfort to the family. If you can imagine walking into a room filled with the loveliness and the soft fragrance of beautiful flowers, you can understand how something so simple can be so meaningful.

You may send your flowers to the funeral home or the residence before the funeral. It is also appropriate to send flowers to the residence after the funeral. Your florist can guide you in selecting something appropriate within your price range.

There are only a few exceptions when flowers are not appropriate. If the family requests flowers be omitted, or that donations in lieu of flowers be made, you should honor the request. You should not send flowers to an Orthodox Jewish funeral. Flowers are not sent to a Catholic church, although they are welcomed at the funeral home. Protestant churches will generally accept flowers, but many families prefer flowers be sent to the funeral home, with the casket having a floral offering from the family for the funeral.

Mass Cards.

When the deceased was Catholic, mass cards may be sent instead of or in addition to flowers. Catholics and non-Catholics may arrange for a mass to be said for the deceased. Contact us for information about obtaining a mass card, which you may mail or give personally to the family, usually before the funeral. Or, you may leave your card on the tray provided at the funeral home. It is also appropriate to arrange a mass on the anniversary of the death.

Memorial Gifts.

A gift of remembrance is always appropriate, especially when the family had requested such a gift in lieu of flowers. It is nice to personalize your gift to the deceased, for example, by making a gift to his or her alma mater, or contributing to medical research for the disease they suffered. Or, the family will suggest a specific charity or other memorial fund.

We can provide you with the appropriate card to inform the family of your gift. You should also provide the family’s name and address to the charity so they can send proper notification. It is also acceptable to mention your gift in a note of condolence, without mentioning the monetary amount. You might say, “Because Aunt Louise loved the ballet so much, we have made a gift to the city ballet in her honor.”

Cards and notes.

Sending a card of sympathy is always in good taste, even if you were simply an acquaintance of the deceased. If the family is not likely to recognize your name, it is kind to add a few words to your expressions of sympathy, such as “Margaret and I were classmates in college…”

If you were well-acquainted with the deceased and/or the family, a personal note is a gracious way to convey your feelings. These letters are often saved and treasured by the family. Like flowers, they are tangible symbols of caring.

The best letters are simple but sincere expressions of your sympathy for the family, of your affection for the deceased, and your desire to be of some help to the family. Try to relate a personal and fond memory of the deceased- how you first met, perhaps- and also tell how he or she may have influenced your life. And of course, all notes should be handwritten.

Phone calls.

If you are local, a visit is preferred. Out-of-town friends should telephone as soon as possible to offer condolences and offer their services. Keep your call brief, since many others will be calling at this time. If a friend or family member is fielding phone calls for the mourners, be sure to leave your name and a brief message, and ask if there is a good time when you may call again.

Telegrams.

Telegrams are appropriate from those who are not intimate with the family, for example, a business associate or a former neighbor. The family will appreciate your message of concern.

Gifts for the family.

The most welcome gift at this time is food. The bereaved may have little interest or energy for managing household duties. Also, there may be several visitors in the house who need to be fed. During the days immediately following the death, bring substantial dishes that require little preparation other than perhaps reheating. Or, you may want to bring something to help the family with their hosting duties, such as cookies or some other food they may serve to visitors.

It would also be kind to remember the children, who are going through a difficult time. A small gift such as a book or a quiet toy like a puzzle would be appropriate.

Give of your time. Volunteer to undertake a specific task to ease the family’s strain- watch the children, care for the pets, vacuum the house, run errands.

Money is not an appropriate gift, although exceptions may be made when the family is left in extreme financial difficulty. In that case, friends may wish to pool contributions to make a gift of assistance.

The Funeral Service.

The funeral service will differ depending on the religious and personal beliefs of the family. The service may be held at a church, temple, funeral home or residence. Most families choose the funeral home as the setting, with a brief service often following at graveside.

Seating.

Whether the service is held at the funeral home or at a place of worship, enter quietly and be seated. Depending on the size of the funeral, you may be assisted by an usher. The first few rows are usually reserved for family members, but you should feel free to sit closely behind them to offer your support and comfort.

The ceremony.

The ceremony is generally conducted by a member of the clergy. Do not worry if you are unfamiliar with the religious customs of the family. Follow the guide of others.

Conclusion of ceremony.

Often, the family will want a few private moments with their loved one after the ceremony. If you are informed that the service is concluded, you will want to leave promptly, and wait in your car if you plan to be part of the funeral procession. You are not obligated to participate in the procession, but the moments can be difficult for the family.

Please turn on your headlights so you will be identified as part of the procession, and remember to turn them off when you arrive at the cemetery.

At the cemetery.

If there is a graveside service, the chairs at the casket are reserved for immediate family members. You may be asked to stand for the brief graveside service, which may include a short prayer or other words of strength and encouragement. An announcement is generally made at the end of the remarks indicating if the family will be receiving visitors at home following the service.

What is appropriate dress?

Black is not required today for the visitation or the funeral. You should dress in a way to show respect to the family and other mourners. This usually means a suit and conservative tie for men, and conservative clothes for women. Children should be dressed in their better clothes, such as what they might wear to church. The most important thing is not how you are dressed, but that you are there.

Should children come to a funeral?

Parents are the best judge of whether their child is old enough to comprehend death and whether attending the funeral will be meaningful to them. It is important that children be allowed to express their grief and share in this important ritual. Children can also be naturally uplifting to those in grief, a hopeful reminder of the future. If you bring young children, carefully explain to them the importance of being on their very best behavior. If a very young child becomes cranky or noisy, remove them promptly so as not to disturb the dignity of the occasion.

Immediately After the Funeral.

Immediately after the funeral, the family often extends an open invitation to join them for food and a quiet reception at home. This provides an opportunity for friends and family to talk, and provides some rest and refreshment, especially for those who have traveled to the funeral.

It is a nice gesture to offer to bring food ahead of time for this post-funeral gathering. Your offer of food at any time in the days, weeks and even months after a death will be greatly appreciated by the family who will be busy attending to other details while also trying to cope with the day-to-day routine. Be specific in your offer; for example, you may say “I would like to prepare a chicken casserole for your dinner; may I bring it over on Thursday?”

Afterwards.

After the difficult and busy days surrounding a death, the family is faced with the challenge of resuming their lives. Your understanding and help at this time can be a major comfort.

What should I say when I run into the bereaved in public?

What you say depends upon whether or not you have already had contact with the bereaved. If you have already paid a condolence call, or attended the visitation or funeral, simply greet your friend warmly and express an interest in their well-being.

If this is your first meeting since the death, your impulse may be to express your sympathy. However, it is kinder to not bring up the death directly, as you may bring about tears, which, in a public place, could be painful to your friend. Rather, be tactful with your comments, perhaps saying something like, “I understand these must be difficult days for you…” If you wish, inquire when a good time might be to visit, or make a specific invitation to lunch or dinner.

What can I do to help later?

The family will continue to need your support for many months to come. Don’t disappear after the funeral. Drop a note or make a phone call on a regular basis. Ask them to lunch. Continue to include them in your social plans; they will let you know when and if they are ready to participate.

It is also especially kind to remember the family on special occasions during the first year of their bereavement. A note to the widow or widower on his or her wedding anniversary, or a phone call on the birthday of the deceased will be appreciated. Don’t worry that you will be bringing up the pain of the loss; they are well aware of their loss. Rather, your acknowledgement doesn’t just recognize the death, it reaffirms that a life was lived.

The following information is provided by The Rochester Funeral Home:

THANK YOU NOTES
Anyone who presented or sent a gift or card to the family, deserves a thank you note. Examples would be to thank anyone who has sent in a memorial contribution, brought food to the house of the grieving family, sent flowers, or in some other tangible way acknowledged the death. Those visitors who attend the calling hours do not require a thank you card.

It is suggested that thank you notes be sent within two weeks of the death. In the past, thank you notes included a personal letter from the grieving family, but today a simple thank you card with a signature, is accepted. Many people include a personal note or a hand written thank you, but that is a personal choice.

THANKING CLERGY
A personal note is recommended for thanking your clergy person. If an honorarium or offering is sent, send it in a separate envelope. Do not include it with the thank you note.

PALLBEARERS
A separate note to each pallbearer is recommended. Personal messages of thanks will be appreciated by each individual who graciously assisted in this important task.

FLOWERS
For individuals, you may wish to include a personal word or two of thanks on the acknowledgement card. For groups or organizations, send the note to the leader of the group and remember to include all the members of the group in your note. If individual member names appear on the floral card, a separate note should be sent to each one. You do not have to include a personal message in this instance.

Flowers that were sent from a group of neighbors or employees, require a separate thank you to each name included on the floral card. You may or may not include a hand written message of thanks.

FRIENDS WHO HAVE HELPED OUT
Friends who have volunteered their help in any way-such as driving a car in the funeral procession, helping the family with arrangements or food, etc. deserve a separate written thank you.

As stated earlier, it is not necessary to send thank you cards to friends or visitors that stop in at the home of the grieving family or that attend the calling hours at the funeral home.

If the neighbors or friends who have volunteered their help are close to the family, you may feel better thanking them in person. In this instance, use your own judgment to determine if a written note is necessary.

The American School of Protocol recently posed the question on their Facebook Page as to the appropriate dress code for a funeral and it inspired me to write a post about the subject.

While it is becoming more acceptable to wear brighter colors, usually if it is a Celebration of Life type memorial, subdued colors and conservative dress is still the most appropriate form of respect for the somber occasion.

Rochester Funeral Homes states:  ”Out of respect for the family, try to keep your dress simple but not too casual. Many orthodox cultures still adhere to the traditional black attire, and if you opt for that choice, you will never go wrong”.