As Valentine’s Day approaches and “love is in the air”, many men will be flocking to the Hallmark store, See’s Candy, and their local florist for the perfect “gift of romance”.  Dinner reservations will be made at casual and fine dining restaurants, and many “budding romances” will fret over what any of these actions will signal to the other. That being said, one can never go wrong with a beautiful arrangement of flowers.  A time-honored and Classic tradition, flowers can help you send the right message.

Before sending the signal that an engagement is in her future, check out the meaning of the color of a rose as described by ProFlowers.com:

Red roses are the traditional symbol for love and romance, and a time-honored way to say “I love you.” The red rose has long symbolized beauty and perfection. A bouquet of red roses is the perfect way to express your deep feelings for someone special.  Read more about the history and meaning of the red rose.

As a symbol of grace and elegance, the pink rose is often given as an expression of admiration. Pink roses can also convey appreciation as well as joyfulness. Pink rose bouquets often impart a gentler meaning than their red counterparts.  Read more about the history and meaning of the pink rose.

The bright, sunny color of yellow roses evokes a feeling of warmth and happiness. The warm feelings associated with the yellow rose are often akin to those shared with a true friend. As such, the yellow rose is an ideal symbol for joy and friendship. Read more about the history and meaning of the yellow rose.

White roses represent innocence and purity and are traditionally associated with marriages and new beginnings. The white rose is also a symbol of honor and reverence, and white rose arrangements are often used as an expression of remembrance. Read more about the history and meaning of the white rose.

With their blazing energy, orange roses are the embodiment of desire and enthusiasm. Orange roses often symbolize passion and excitement and are an expression of fervent romance. A bouquet of orange roses will send a meaningful message. Read more about the history and meaning of the orange rose.

The unique beauty of the lavender rose has captured many hearts and imaginations. With their fantastical appearance, lavender roses are a perfect symbol of enchantment. The lavender rose is also traditionally used to express feelings of love at first sight. Read more about the history and meaning of the lavender rose.

I hope you have a beautiful Valentine’s Day, whether you will share it with a friend, spouse, child, parent or new love.  Love is in the air!

With the recent passing of my mother-in-law, I was asked by MY mother, “how should I address the card to your family?”  Good question. Considering we talk every day and are obviously very “familiar”, the idea of formality seems awkward. Should she just send the card to my husband for his loss?  Should the card be sent to the whole family and if so, how does she address her grandson in the card?  Is he the “and family” part?

It seems much easier to address a card to someone more distant or not related,such as a co-worker or church acquaintance, so I thought I would share a few tips with my readers as to the appropriate form of address when sending a Sympathy card to the:

Widow of deceased:  Mrs. Robert Jones

Widow of deceased with children living at home:  Mrs. Robert Jones (on top line) followed by:  Jack, Mary, and John Jones (less acquainted with family: use The family of Robert Jones)

Single friend:  Mr. Robert Jones or Ms. Roberta Jones.  

Married friend:  Mr. and Mrs. Robert Jones or your friend and their family as in: John and Mary Smith or Mary Smith and family.

Colleague:  The family of Robert Jones

Parents:  Mr. and Mrs. Robert Jones

While we all understand that death is part of life, and that our belief system will help us through the journey, the simple gesture of sending thoughts to a bereaved can be very healing.  

Often times we are unsure of what to say or do when the annual date of a loss approaches. While it is not necessary to send a paper/mailed card every year, it is appropriate in our technological age to send a “thought” via email.  There are many “free card” and “pay cards” from which to choose.  Blue Mountain has a nice assortment of support cards that can lend comfort to a friend or family member as they remember their loved ones over the years.

I am a true patriot.  I actually get out of my chair in my home office when I hear the National Anthem and move into the family room to stand respectfully and listen.  Yes….this is a “sports home” around here and my husband and son are ALWAYS watching SOMETHING that usually involves the National Anthem….and I’ve made it very clear to them…that in this house…we respect that.  So…stop chomping on your Doritos, take off your team’s hat, and take a moment to STAND…and LISTEN…it’s quite beautiful and moving to listen to our National Anthem. 

Now…enough about how we do it at home….what about the teams…the coaches….the fans…the media? How can I raise and teach my son to respect the National Anthem if while he is standing and listening, he sees players chewing gum (or chew), or scratching (yep, I’ve seen it), or worse yet, chattering to a player next to them (seen that too).  

What about the fans?  I seriously despise when all the fans begin to rant and rave and cheer before the National Anthem has finished.  I don’t care how excited they are about the game…really…you can’t wait for the final two lines before you drown out the vocalist.  It’s not about their talent…or stardom…it’s about The Anthem. 

Can we just get back to place of respect…less than 3 minutes of our time…to respectfully listen, imagine, and view…Old Glory…with all the respect she deserves. 

With a range of one and a half octaves, it is known for being difficult to sing. Although the song has four stanzas, only the first is commonly sung today, with the fourth (“O! thus be it ever when free men shall stand…”) added on more formal occasions.^[2] The fourth stanza includes the line “And this be our motto: In God is our Trust”.^[3] The United States adopted “In God We Trust” as its national motto in 1956.  (Source - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Star-Spangled_Banner). 

So….I give you…my own etiquette tips for the National Anthem:

1. Remove your hat – male or female:  Yes, in the old days women didn’t have to do so…but hats were pinned and tethered and formal….nowadays, girls/women are wearing team caps, remove them.
2. If you are wearing a hat, place the hat across your heart with the inside of the hat facing your heart. 
3. Address the flag – and no one or anyting else.
4. Stop chewing.
5. Stop talking.
6. Stop moving/rocking.
7. Sing along if you desire – it will bring you closer to the history.
8. If you are NOT wearing a hat, salute the flag from the first note of the anthem until the last note of the anthem.  (Yes, you may think this is odd…but you are either in uniform and know what to do, wearing a hat – and know what to do – or everyone else…and now….know what to do.

Well, I have to say, I was already pulling out the black and gold tablescaping for another “Saints Superbowl Party” when…well, let’s not re-live the moment we knew when that all changed!  I’m over it.  Time to get pumped for the Giants and Patriots right?!  Superbowl XLVI (that’s 46th for the roman numeral challenged) takes place in Indianapolis this year at 6:30pm EST at at Lucas Oil Stadium.  Since most of us won’t be tailgating there, here are a few tips to help make Superbowl, any year, fabulous, fun and full of friendly fans!

You’re The Host:

• Tell your neighbors.  Especially if you think there will be a major parking issue.  It’s always nice to include them in the invite if you’re on friendly terms.  This definitely seals the parking issue up.

• Get in the game. Whether you’re serving appetizers, pizza and wings, or blessed to have your affair catered, set the spirit!  Use the team colors (a no-brainer this year) for centerpieces and cocktail napkins.  Create a fun centerpiece with small footballs, turf grass and mini-penants from the party/dollar stores.  Print up a Superbowl Pool Grid on card stock with the team colors and place along side an envelope for collections and a  ”team cup” that holds pencils for filling in the squares.  The amount should be agreed upon by everyone but keep in mind, this is a “spirit-raiser”, not the Sports Book in Vegas. 

• Greet your guests and make introductions.  Don’t leave your guests waiting at the door while you’re busy with the bbq.  Greet them promptly with smiles and warmth as you bring them into join you and others.  Introduce or “refresh an introduction” to all the guests and let the small talk begin.  ”Mary, you may recall meeting John at our Superbowl party last year.  John Jones, this is Mary Smith.  Mary works with me at XYZ.

• Take their coat.  Not literally of course.  You can’t keep it!!  Even if it is that fabulous Alexander McQueen leopard print you want!  Be sure to assist your guest in taking their coat and letting them know where you are storing it so they can access it if needed.  If they don’t need their coat until departure, the host should retrieve the coat for their guest. 

• Get the ball rolling.  Offer beverages soon after introductions and point your guests towards the food station.  Generally, football parties are best suited for buffet/kitchen island style dining or a barbeque outside, weather permitting.  Keep plenty of food, napkins, cocktail plates, toothpicks for h’ordoeurves, and cold beverages on hand throughout the game.

• Have enough seating.  It’s true that not everyone will sit at the same time…but for Superbowl, expect a few guys to “own that seat for the duration”.  With the increasing excitement of seeing the newest “who will be the winner” commercials, seats may be at a premium.  Bring in the card table chairs, dining room chairs, and if it’s a super casual event, have some throw pillows and comfy throws available for those that are happy to lean at the feet of their spouse or date.

• Kids coming?  Let’s face it…the kids are NOT going to sit for three or four hours watching the game.  They’ll just interrupt those that do.  Have a snack table and beverages in a small ice chest that can be in “their own space” (a child’s room, the converted for game day garage, etc.) and have age appropriate games, toys, coloring, etc. for them to enjoy together.  Oh…here’s a thought.  Give them a football to throw – outside, weather permitting.  I know, they’ll probably just play Madden on their hand-held, but it’s worth a try.

• The party’s over.  Thank your guests for taking the time to spend the day with you.  Thank them if they drove a great distance to be with you.  Thank them for anything they may have contributed, i.e., food, gifts, help, etc.  Have your “co-host” (usually a spouse/date or designated friend) get the coats while you are graciously escorting to the door.

• Be a great guest.  If you’re the guest at this fabulous party, you have a few party etiquette rules too.

• RSVP as soon as possible.  Waiting until the last minute implies you are waiting for a better offer.  

• Bring a hostess gift.  Wine (to be offered for a future event), gourmet candy, fresh flowers or a homemade treat are all a welcomed gift. 

• Arrive on time, unless you’ve advised ahead with any challenges in doing so.

• Offer to help the hostess.  Even little things like carrying re-loaded trays of treats to the football fanatics that haven’t moved an inch since the game started, is a big help. 

• Remember “bathroom etiquette“.  No splashing and leaving water drops everywhere.  No using the plush monogrammed guest towel (a smart hostess will have a basket or bowl of individual small guest towels and a receptacle in which to place used ones or very nice disposable napkins.  He/she will also have air freshener discreetly tucked away).  Basically, leave the loo as fresh and clean as you found it.

• Don’t over-indulge.  Food or beverage.

• Get a clue.  Don’t overstay your welcome.  While most party invitations will have a start/end time, some will end with natural timing, like the end of the game in this scenario.  Watch for clues from your host.  They may enjoy having you stay a little while afterwards to enjoy some conversational time that perhaps was thwarted during the event; however, if you see him/her washing dishes, turning off the TV and booting up their iPad (okay, a proper host would never do these things), then get a clue.  It’s time to go.

Have a wonderful Superbowl and I leave you with a simple little toast to share with your guests:

“Here’s to the bird that flew the coop,

Without losing a single feather;

And may this time next year, 

We all be together.”

When it comes to men’s fashion, we’ve come a long way since the 1950′s when the simple white shirt, black skinny tie and dark suit was the only choice a man had.  Though some things are timeless and fashions do tend to reappear years later, today, men have the option of so many different ties, shirt hues, shoe styles, and other dapper accessories, that it is important to know what one should wear at the job interview, on the job or when meeting clients.

I love to defer to my friend and peer, Diane Gottsman of The Protocol School of Texas. Diane has a great quiz for men to take (or the woman who dresses her man!) with answers that may surprise you. 

Are you one of those people that just freeze up at the thought of how to enter a room and mingle with the other guests?  You don’t know anyone there and have no idea what to do besides stick to the wall and hope to get in and get out after making your obligatory appearance.  Some people are just naturals in this atmosphere but many find it a daunting experience.

A few tips that might help include the following:

• Place yourself in close proximity to those gathered near the bar or the food (that’s where most people congregate at all gatherings).
• Simply introduce yourself to someone and mention why you are there or what connection you may have.  They will almost certainly offer the same information back.
• A couple of sentences are all that is necessary to “break the ice” as well as move on if it is more comfortable for you.  For example:  “Hi, I am Jane.  My daughter Britney is on the team”.  (At which time the other person will probably offer a similar sentiment).

Former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, as all busy diplomats, would find herself at many gatherings, cocktail parties, fundraisers, and events.  Having the sometimes uncomfortable obligation of making small talk, in her mind, she would go down the alphabet until a subject sparked a listener’s interest, starting with A. For example, A: Airline travel has sure come a long way in a short time, hasn’t it?; B: I just saw Beauty and the Beast at the theatre, have you seen it?; C: California sure has amazing weather, I’m so glad we have a nice day for this event? …and so on.

These are some of my “Go To” books and resources that help keep me apprised of the changing world of etiquette.  Unlike “protocol”, some etiquette rules change with the times.  Staying abreast of these changes as well as attending continuing education classes  in the field is important in offering the client the most updated information for the curriculum of their choice.

The Complete Guide to Executive Manners – Letitia Baldridge

New Manners for New Times – Letitia Baldridge

The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette – Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan

How Rude! The Teenager’s Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior and Not Grossing People Out – Alex J. Packer, Ph.D

The Graceful Art of Tea – Nan Taylor

21st Century Etiquette – Charlotte Ford

365 Manners Kids Should Know – Sheryl Eberly

Dear Ms. Demeanor – Mary Mitchell

What Southern Women Know – Ronda Rich

The Fabulous Girl’s Guide to Grace Under Pressure – Kim Izzo

In The Kennedy Style – Letitia Baldridge

Tiffany & Co. Table Settings Book (Vintage) – Bramhall House

What Would Jackie Do? – Shelly Branch & Sue Callaway

As an etiquette consultant, I seem to think that etiquette isn’t just for people.  I’ve said many times, “would you let your 2 y/o run up to someone, jump on their lap and start kissing (licking if you’re a dog) and frenetically displaying their enthusiasm for seeing someone they like?  NOT!  Animals need manners too and the parents of those animals are responsible for “raising them right”. If you can’t do that, then perhaps social settings aren’t the best arena for your pet. Here’s a few tips for both you and your pet. 

• Always keep your dog leashed when out for a walk (unless you’re at Dog Beach or in a Dog Park).

• Bring along a couple of plastic grocery bags for instant clean-up.

• Do not allow your dog to do his business anywhere he wants – even if you are cleaning it up.  Your neighbor probably won’t be too happy seeing your dog squatting in her front yard…which just so happens to be private property.

• Do not allow your dog to sniff.  It’s embarrassing to have a dog’s nose firmly planted in your private zone!  Pull them away (because they’re leashed right?).

• Do not pet someone else dog without permission.  Once granted, use the traditionally taught method of offering the back of your hand first.

• Keep your dog “curbed”…not out in the street or doing his business in public parking lots where others will be exposed to their “package”.

• NO JUMPING!!!  PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW YOUR DOGS TO JUMP ON PEOPLE.  You wouldn’t allow your children to run up and jump  into the lap of someone and lick all over their face and your dog is no different.  Instinct or not, they must be trained to behave and have manners.

The following was taken with permission from The Freitag Funeral Home.

When someone you know dies, or faces a death in their family, your first instinct may be to help- but you may not be sure of what to say or what to do. It is natural to feel this way.

One of the highest privileges you can accept is helping a friend or family member during their time of grief.

The Condolence Visit.

While you may feel hesitant about intruding on the family during their grief, the condolence visit is important. It reassures the bereaved that while their loved one is gone, they are not alone; that while they have suffered a great loss, they are still connected to the living, and that life will, indeed, go on.

When should I visit?

Immediately upon learning of a death, intimate friends of the family should go to the home of the mourner to offer sympathy and ask if they can render any service. There are many ways you can be helpful, by providing food or assisting with child care, making phone calls or answering the door.

You may make a condolence visit at any time, before the funeral or after, especially in the first weeks following the death. If you call early you may certainly pay another visit to let the bereaved know they remain in your thoughts.

You may prefer to visit the family at the funeral home. This setting may be more comfortable for you and the family, as they are prepared for visitors. The newspaper will provide information about calling hours, or you may call the funeral home for instructions.

How long should I stay at a condolence call or visitation?

You need not stay long; fifteen minutes gives you enough time to express your sympathy and offer your support. Of course, if the bereaved indicates they would like you to remain for a while, take your cue from them and stay longer. Use your own judgment. If you feel your presence is of comfort, offer to stay as long as the family needs you and you are able.

What should I say?

Using your own words, express your sympathy. Kind words about the deceased are always appropriate. Depending on your relationship to the family, you may say something like: “I am so sorry about John. He was a good friend, and I will miss him very much.”

If the bereaved wants to talk, they usually simply need to express their feelings; they aren’t necessarily looking for a response from you. They may say things that seem irrational or pose questions that have no answer, and the kindest response is usually a warm hug, and a sympathetic, “I understand.”

What should I not say?

Do not ask the cause of death; if the family wants to discuss it, let them bring it up.

Don’t give advice. The family should be allowed to make their own decisions without influence from well-meaning friends.

Don’t make comments that would diminish the importance of the loss. Comments such as “you are young, you’ll marry again,” or “he was suffering so much, death was a blessing,” or “I’ve been through this myself,” are not comforting to the bereaved.

Religious & ethnic customs.

Customs may differ among various communities, ethnic groups and religions, and we have tried to indicate a few of the most important differences here. Please feel free to contact us for guidance, as we are well versed in the customs of many faiths. For more details, you may also refer to a more comprehensive guide, such as those by Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt.

Mourning in the Jewish faiths.

In families of Jewish faiths, interment of the deceased usually occurs within twenty-four hours of death, at which time the family returns home for a seven-day period of mourning. The first days of mourning are reserved for the family; friends usually wait until at least the third day to visit. Calls are generally made in the evenings or on the Sunday of the week of the death; calls are not made on the Sabbath (from Friday afternoon until after dark on Saturday).

Remember, customs will vary depending if the family is of the Orthodox or the Reform Jewish faith. Please ask us if you need guidance.

The Formal Visitation.

A formal visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their expressions of sorrow and sympathy. This practice is most common among the Protestant and Catholic faiths. The obituary notice should tell you the visitation hours and when the family will be present, or you may call the funeral home for this information.

Meet the family.

Upon arrival, go to the family, and express your sympathy with an embrace or by offering your hands. Don’t feel as though you must avoid talking about the person who has died. Talking can help the grieving process begin. Offer a simple statement of condolence, such as “I’m so sorry. My sympathy to you and your family,” or “Your grandmother was a fine person. She will be missed by many.”

If you were an acquaintance of the deceased but not well-known to the family, immediately introduce yourself. You may say something like, “Hello, we have not met, but George and I worked together several years ago. My name is Mary Smith.”

Emotions.

Do not feel uncomfortable if you or the bereaved becomes emotional or begins to cry. Allowing the bereaved to grieve is a natural healing process. However, if you find yourself becoming extremely upset, it would be kinder to excuse yourself so as not to increase the strain on the family.

Pay your respects to the person who has died.

Viewing the deceased is not mandatory. However, if offered by the family, it is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased and, if you desire, spending a few moments in silent prayer. The family may wish to escort you to the casket, or you may proceed on your own.

Signing the register.

Always enter your name in the register book, using your full name so the family can better identify you. If you were a business associate of the deceased, it is appropriate to note your company affiliation if the family may not otherwise know you.

Conduct.

After you have spoken to the family, it is perfectly appropriate to engage in quiet conversation with friends you may meet at the visitation. Your simple presence will mean a lot to the family. You do not need to stay for the entire visitation, but try not to leave during prayers, if they are being offered.

Other Expressions of Condolences.

While there is no substitute for a personal visit if you are physically able to do so, there are many other ways to express your sympathy.

Flowers.

A floral tribute can be of great comfort to the family. If you can imagine walking into a room filled with the loveliness and the soft fragrance of beautiful flowers, you can understand how something so simple can be so meaningful.

You may send your flowers to the funeral home or the residence before the funeral. It is also appropriate to send flowers to the residence after the funeral. Your florist can guide you in selecting something appropriate within your price range.

There are only a few exceptions when flowers are not appropriate. If the family requests flowers be omitted, or that donations in lieu of flowers be made, you should honor the request. You should not send flowers to an Orthodox Jewish funeral. Flowers are not sent to a Catholic church, although they are welcomed at the funeral home. Protestant churches will generally accept flowers, but many families prefer flowers be sent to the funeral home, with the casket having a floral offering from the family for the funeral.

Mass Cards.

When the deceased was Catholic, mass cards may be sent instead of or in addition to flowers. Catholics and non-Catholics may arrange for a mass to be said for the deceased. Contact us for information about obtaining a mass card, which you may mail or give personally to the family, usually before the funeral. Or, you may leave your card on the tray provided at the funeral home. It is also appropriate to arrange a mass on the anniversary of the death.

Memorial Gifts.

A gift of remembrance is always appropriate, especially when the family had requested such a gift in lieu of flowers. It is nice to personalize your gift to the deceased, for example, by making a gift to his or her alma mater, or contributing to medical research for the disease they suffered. Or, the family will suggest a specific charity or other memorial fund.

We can provide you with the appropriate card to inform the family of your gift. You should also provide the family’s name and address to the charity so they can send proper notification. It is also acceptable to mention your gift in a note of condolence, without mentioning the monetary amount. You might say, “Because Aunt Louise loved the ballet so much, we have made a gift to the city ballet in her honor.”

Cards and notes.

Sending a card of sympathy is always in good taste, even if you were simply an acquaintance of the deceased. If the family is not likely to recognize your name, it is kind to add a few words to your expressions of sympathy, such as “Margaret and I were classmates in college…”

If you were well-acquainted with the deceased and/or the family, a personal note is a gracious way to convey your feelings. These letters are often saved and treasured by the family. Like flowers, they are tangible symbols of caring.

The best letters are simple but sincere expressions of your sympathy for the family, of your affection for the deceased, and your desire to be of some help to the family. Try to relate a personal and fond memory of the deceased- how you first met, perhaps- and also tell how he or she may have influenced your life. And of course, all notes should be handwritten.

Phone calls.

If you are local, a visit is preferred. Out-of-town friends should telephone as soon as possible to offer condolences and offer their services. Keep your call brief, since many others will be calling at this time. If a friend or family member is fielding phone calls for the mourners, be sure to leave your name and a brief message, and ask if there is a good time when you may call again.

Telegrams.

Telegrams are appropriate from those who are not intimate with the family, for example, a business associate or a former neighbor. The family will appreciate your message of concern.

Gifts for the family.

The most welcome gift at this time is food. The bereaved may have little interest or energy for managing household duties. Also, there may be several visitors in the house who need to be fed. During the days immediately following the death, bring substantial dishes that require little preparation other than perhaps reheating. Or, you may want to bring something to help the family with their hosting duties, such as cookies or some other food they may serve to visitors.

It would also be kind to remember the children, who are going through a difficult time. A small gift such as a book or a quiet toy like a puzzle would be appropriate.

Give of your time. Volunteer to undertake a specific task to ease the family’s strain- watch the children, care for the pets, vacuum the house, run errands.

Money is not an appropriate gift, although exceptions may be made when the family is left in extreme financial difficulty. In that case, friends may wish to pool contributions to make a gift of assistance.

The Funeral Service.

The funeral service will differ depending on the religious and personal beliefs of the family. The service may be held at a church, temple, funeral home or residence. Most families choose the funeral home as the setting, with a brief service often following at graveside.

Seating.

Whether the service is held at the funeral home or at a place of worship, enter quietly and be seated. Depending on the size of the funeral, you may be assisted by an usher. The first few rows are usually reserved for family members, but you should feel free to sit closely behind them to offer your support and comfort.

The ceremony.

The ceremony is generally conducted by a member of the clergy. Do not worry if you are unfamiliar with the religious customs of the family. Follow the guide of others.

Conclusion of ceremony.

Often, the family will want a few private moments with their loved one after the ceremony. If you are informed that the service is concluded, you will want to leave promptly, and wait in your car if you plan to be part of the funeral procession. You are not obligated to participate in the procession, but the moments can be difficult for the family.

Please turn on your headlights so you will be identified as part of the procession, and remember to turn them off when you arrive at the cemetery.

At the cemetery.

If there is a graveside service, the chairs at the casket are reserved for immediate family members. You may be asked to stand for the brief graveside service, which may include a short prayer or other words of strength and encouragement. An announcement is generally made at the end of the remarks indicating if the family will be receiving visitors at home following the service.

What is appropriate dress?

Black is not required today for the visitation or the funeral. You should dress in a way to show respect to the family and other mourners. This usually means a suit and conservative tie for men, and conservative clothes for women. Children should be dressed in their better clothes, such as what they might wear to church. The most important thing is not how you are dressed, but that you are there.

Should children come to a funeral?

Parents are the best judge of whether their child is old enough to comprehend death and whether attending the funeral will be meaningful to them. It is important that children be allowed to express their grief and share in this important ritual. Children can also be naturally uplifting to those in grief, a hopeful reminder of the future. If you bring young children, carefully explain to them the importance of being on their very best behavior. If a very young child becomes cranky or noisy, remove them promptly so as not to disturb the dignity of the occasion.

Immediately After the Funeral.

Immediately after the funeral, the family often extends an open invitation to join them for food and a quiet reception at home. This provides an opportunity for friends and family to talk, and provides some rest and refreshment, especially for those who have traveled to the funeral.

It is a nice gesture to offer to bring food ahead of time for this post-funeral gathering. Your offer of food at any time in the days, weeks and even months after a death will be greatly appreciated by the family who will be busy attending to other details while also trying to cope with the day-to-day routine. Be specific in your offer; for example, you may say “I would like to prepare a chicken casserole for your dinner; may I bring it over on Thursday?”

Afterwards.

After the difficult and busy days surrounding a death, the family is faced with the challenge of resuming their lives. Your understanding and help at this time can be a major comfort.

What should I say when I run into the bereaved in public?

What you say depends upon whether or not you have already had contact with the bereaved. If you have already paid a condolence call, or attended the visitation or funeral, simply greet your friend warmly and express an interest in their well-being.

If this is your first meeting since the death, your impulse may be to express your sympathy. However, it is kinder to not bring up the death directly, as you may bring about tears, which, in a public place, could be painful to your friend. Rather, be tactful with your comments, perhaps saying something like, “I understand these must be difficult days for you…” If you wish, inquire when a good time might be to visit, or make a specific invitation to lunch or dinner.

What can I do to help later?

The family will continue to need your support for many months to come. Don’t disappear after the funeral. Drop a note or make a phone call on a regular basis. Ask them to lunch. Continue to include them in your social plans; they will let you know when and if they are ready to participate.

It is also especially kind to remember the family on special occasions during the first year of their bereavement. A note to the widow or widower on his or her wedding anniversary, or a phone call on the birthday of the deceased will be appreciated. Don’t worry that you will be bringing up the pain of the loss; they are well aware of their loss. Rather, your acknowledgement doesn’t just recognize the death, it reaffirms that a life was lived.

The following information is provided by The Rochester Funeral Home:

THANK YOU NOTES
Anyone who presented or sent a gift or card to the family, deserves a thank you note. Examples would be to thank anyone who has sent in a memorial contribution, brought food to the house of the grieving family, sent flowers, or in some other tangible way acknowledged the death. Those visitors who attend the calling hours do not require a thank you card.

It is suggested that thank you notes be sent within two weeks of the death. In the past, thank you notes included a personal letter from the grieving family, but today a simple thank you card with a signature, is accepted. Many people include a personal note or a hand written thank you, but that is a personal choice.

THANKING CLERGY
A personal note is recommended for thanking your clergy person. If an honorarium or offering is sent, send it in a separate envelope. Do not include it with the thank you note.

PALLBEARERS
A separate note to each pallbearer is recommended. Personal messages of thanks will be appreciated by each individual who graciously assisted in this important task.

FLOWERS
For individuals, you may wish to include a personal word or two of thanks on the acknowledgement card. For groups or organizations, send the note to the leader of the group and remember to include all the members of the group in your note. If individual member names appear on the floral card, a separate note should be sent to each one. You do not have to include a personal message in this instance.

Flowers that were sent from a group of neighbors or employees, require a separate thank you to each name included on the floral card. You may or may not include a hand written message of thanks.

FRIENDS WHO HAVE HELPED OUT
Friends who have volunteered their help in any way-such as driving a car in the funeral procession, helping the family with arrangements or food, etc. deserve a separate written thank you.

As stated earlier, it is not necessary to send thank you cards to friends or visitors that stop in at the home of the grieving family or that attend the calling hours at the funeral home.

If the neighbors or friends who have volunteered their help are close to the family, you may feel better thanking them in person. In this instance, use your own judgment to determine if a written note is necessary.